Arranged marriage is a form of marriage wherein the relatives followed by your parents and finally yourself, decide if there is a meeting required to be arranged to check on the prospects of a union. Essentially, there is an unofficial but a long checklist that a person has to succeed on before being considered a candidate. Have no doubts that I am against this form of marriage, in fact most of our ancestors have led a good and happy life, thanks to this. Rather what I am opposed to or intend to express my insights are on the ironical beliefs, practices and methods used in screening, and the constant pressure a bachelor faces from the extras. Further, although arranged marriage exists around the globe, across communities and religion, I will be sharing my insights based on my experiences.
Let’s start with the ironical beliefs - Kundali. Although horoscope matching comes into play a but later in the grand procession, but often this is the biggest barrier. Inputs that go into preparing a horoscope are - date, time and place of birth. Imagine, only these three things determine your future. It’s like saying that because you were born on x day at y time and at z place - you will do/achieve xyz things in life. Even if destiny is to be believed and thereby presume that all of these xyz things will eventually occur sometime in future, it’s hard to believe how Karma/present actions would not impact it. We, thereby, tend to go against the basic principle of Karma in Bhagwad Gita (Chapter 2, verse 47) which says that only present is in our control and we should not think about future results. Essentially, it’s difficult to digest that those three parameters will pre-dominantly determine who I get to marry irrespective of my present financial and mental well-being. Thankfully in love marriage, kundali does not remain a dominant factor as stress is only laid on the fact that the lovers are happy to be with each other.
Assuming that kundali matches, there would still be situations that pre-marriage talks or the entire union fails in future - could kundali have predicted this or prevented this? You can think of your answer and decide for yourself. In my view, my present actions are the biggest determinant of my future incl. reincarnation (assuming it exists for non-believers). Evaluating current financial and mental well-being can be a good starter for what the future may behold and to remove any apprehensions of future sustainability. If a couple love, trust, care (many others too) for each other, then for sure they can handle any situation, overcome any misfortunes. But if the bond is not strong, no matter how strong the horoscope match was or the financial situation, this union of two families can break.
Next up is my favourite - screening methods and practices. This starts with your relatives screening the biodata/CV in the following order: looks; package; type of residence (ownership/rented); if rented - amount of rent; degree held (irrespective of institution achieved from); brand value of employer and so on and so forth. Behavioural and personal qualities are perhaps the most neglected factors. Assuming, a candidate passes this test, we move on to the parents who have their own sets of absurd benchmarks. No matter what their own children drink, smoke or party but their son/daughter-in-law must abstain from such sinful activities. Taking it a step forward wherein both sides of parents are ignorant of such activities of their children and a union has been accepted, the same parents become spineless or turn a blind eye when they eventually get to know about this. All what they have to say then is - Its fine na, if the children are happy then what more do we want, can do. Unpredictable, beyond imagination - words that come to my mind. Well, if you were so concerned and content with your children's happiness then instead of deciding at your level, better ask your children if they have any qualms on such habits of their future partners. In my view, this can go a long way in easing the pain and grief of many parents around - ageing bachelors in their houses. Many parents also have a pre-condition that their daughter-in-law should be a housewife post marriage. Imagine the havoc that will be caused by asking a son-in-law to leave his job and let his wife earn for the family. I would love a situation wherein my wife was to earn for the family and all what I have to do is live life on my terms without being worried about future sustainability.
A girl hanging out with her male friends is unsuitable for family but your own son being a playboy is a matter of pride and vice versa. In my view, the day we start accepting and respecting our future members for what they are, what they bring in is when we would be true to our ancestors. One should also stop being hypocritical that looks don't matter and rather practice same stance, irrespective of whether you are looking for a groom or bride. Remember who knows that next gen of your family might only have daughters/vice versa.
And finally, pressure from extras. 'Oh, your child is already around 28 and still unmarried, you should soon lookout for a suitable match' - the constant nagging from our so-called modern society and extras of our lives. It’s difficult to imagine how age can be a determining factor of a right time to be married. Not everyone may want to settle down now, they may not want to commit to anyone now or they might have their own dreams to be fulfilled or they may not just want to marry. Please start accepting and respecting this decision. Stop being hypocritical by saying that it will be your decision or you have all the freedom to decide. What a joke! Most children cannot even decide for themselves on which city to work in, holiday in - marriage I am sure will be right at the bottom in the list of allowable liberty (if it qualifies). Some parents might be lucky that their children got married relatively earlier but again that does not give them the right/authority to taunt others and subject them to constant trauma. Our own parents should also accept the fact gone are those days when children were ready to be married post-graduation. In my view, if we keep subjecting our children to such pressure then soon enough, they might go far away, even to a foreign land, never to come back again, unofficially breaking all ties.
So, to make my stand clear - Have arranged marriages but stop practicing hypocrisies and get done with illogical beliefs for upcoming generations would be all the more inquisitive. Not everyone wants to practice 'Arranged Marriage - A Shot in the Dark'.
